Well, here’s how it is: for an excruciatingly long time I wasn’t able to visit Sea of Shoes from my place, I guessed they blocked my ID or something. Maybe mom didn’t want darling Jane to be upset and buy a pair of Converse or something.

"You're not the daughter I raised. You're breaking my vintage heart."

Of course, I fell into a deep and hopeless depression, for I had been vanished from the one site that made me laugh no matter what.

However, some weeks ago I was dicking around the Internet and I remembered Sea of Shoes. With little hopes, I typed the forbidden URL and pressed enter. Imagine my surprise when I saw a little red-headed someone staring back at me with her little brown eyes, framed by a bunch of clumped lashes, sticking together under the coats of mascara. Be still, my beating heart.

So, today I decided to check it out again, you know, for old times sake and here’s what I saw:

D to the E to the R to the P

“I can never seem to turn down whimsical things with a sense of humor…especially if there are animals involved. The weirder, the better. This 80′s Krizia sweater featuring a grizzly bear wearing his finest pearls is right up my alley. My mom found this at an amazing sale at Salvation army (…). The vintage gods must have been smiling down on her that day.”

Well well well, someone has special snowflake syndrome!

Oh Jane… Why? Stop… just stop. You’re getting too old for this shit. Seriously, go to college. Discover a new hobby. Read a book or watch a movie without getting all snobby about it.

Rapper-bear sweater is not whimsical…unless whimsical is douche for stupid, in which case it is whimsical.

Oh, and by the way, babe, no god was smiling at your mom that day.

Love,

Nati Hell.

PS: I don’t own that picture. Who cares, it’s on google anyway. 

Tried to tone it down with the sweater. Didn't work because the sweater has holes.

Well, I think that’s mean because sluts have personal style too, and they’re easily recognizable because of it.

Now, hold your horses people, I’m not saying Karla is a slut, but she sure does look like a streetwalker in that picture.

You know, I have a sweater just like that and when I raise my arms it goes all the way up to my boobs. I’m pretty sure we have a similar situation here.

Oh dear God, I just have to ask why, Karla, WHY? Why the strappy, high-heeled sandals? Why the short short sweater that shows her belly? Why the ridiculously large earrings? Are you trying to remind us the reason why stereotypes exist?

Dear Karla:

I really like you, kinda, and I love it when you wear all that polyester crap garments in a non ironic way, but this… this is baaad. I mean, there are children out there, for God’s sake. Do you even care about the children, Karla? Do you? Think about that the next time you want to put together a slutty outfit.

Love,

Nati Hell.

PD: Hello everyone! It’s been a long time. I hope you’re all having a lovely day

This is why I want to share with you some of the funniest things if found while bouncing around in the Internet.

Here I give you one of my favorites, Rumi’s old Maxim profile, courtesy of miss Anna Pei. Shit, Rumi! Maxim, really?? I’ve never think of you as “classy”, but come on…

And here you have a real delight: Karla’s old girl band “Slumber Party Girls” singing the worst song ever in the history of mankind. Seriously. OMG Karla, who would have thought you used to be so painfully cheesy?

Oh, the way we used to be!! Don’t worry dear fashion bloggers, we’ve all had our embarrassing moments. It’s just funnier because it’s you.

(Oh my god, the shoes… fuck me gently with a chainsaw…)

2. Whatever this is, needs to die:

that thing on the left.

3. Somewhere over the rainbow, this makes sense:

4. This people make money for looking like this:

Hi, we comez from the Internetz.

5. You can make a post about the habits of your fucking cat, and 103 people will comment about it (seriously):

I don’t own any of the pictures. Woohoo.

Let me tell you this: if I walked out of my house with my pretty blazer and my cute ankle boots and a cervical collar, I would look stupid, right? If I was walking down the street with a pair of crutches and high heels, I would look really really stupid, right?

So, why is that different from wearing glasses you don’t actually need?!?!

Glamourai wearing glamourglasses

DEEEERP DERP DERP DERP DERP DERP DERP DERP DERP

...

Ugh… stupid bloggers, wearing stupid glasses, looking like fucking rapists… I think that short-sighted people all over the world should be mad at those who wear glasses just to look “cool”.

The only thing that I hate more than seeing people attempting to do the “geek chic look”, is seeing people attempting to do it now. Come on! This stupid trend started like in 2008… shit, this should have died 2 months after it started… I blame hipsters all around the world for not letting it go away.

A long ago Gala Darling blogged about this geek-chic trend, this is what she had to say:

You can’t do geek chic if you’re not wearing a pair of glasses! I’m sorry, but it’s true. You don’t actually need to be short- or long-sighted however, which is good news.

… It’s easy to wear a t-shirt that says ‘Nintendo’, but it’s much cooler to wear something that only die-hard fans will recognise.”

HAHAHA Oh my god… Look: wearing glasses that you don’t need is like drinking medicine when you’re not sick. And what’s the deal with telling people to wear stuff that only die-hard fans will recognize?? How’s this cool? It’s totally stupid! How fucking wannabe can you be?

This is the reason I never read this Gala Darling person’s blog… I have the strong feeling that she’s absolutely stupid. Judging by this entry, I think I’m right.

The next big trend, believe me.

By the way: Jane looks like a kid with Down Syndrome in that picture. There, I said it.

This is what I saw:

• Pictures of a kitchen
• Pictures of a living room
• More pictures of a kitchen
• Mom wearing an orange-leather ensemble

HOLY TITS, WHAAAT?!

I quickly scrolled up, to see if what I thought I had seen was in fact real, and guess what?

Yeaaah. So… apparently Mom thinks that just because her weird daughter dresses in weird tacky shit, she can get away with it too. Newsflash mom: You can’t. You’re not a pretty and photogenic teenager, you shouldn’t be wearing 7 cows at the time.

This is what mom sayed:

This is my fall outfit!  I’m not doing any shopping this fall unless it’s a vintage piece I can’t pass up.

WOAH WOAH WOAH! Hold your horses Mom! No shopping this fall?!!? Why? Did you spend all your shoe money redoing that silly kitchen of yours? Well, I guess I can say I’m glad that you’re being a bit more economic… unless of course, you find 700 vintage pieces that you just have to have.

Dear Mom: Why are you wearing that silly outfit? You look like a bottle of ketchup. The clothes aren’t even pretty!! Shit mom… I told you you should stay away from the styling and stick with the cooking, and you didn’t. Look what’s happened, look:

See?? This is what happens when you don’t listen to me. Please, think about it.

Love,

Nati Hell

“Got my hair in two little buns on my head, sparkly barette, 70s rainbow faux fur jacket”

My thoughts were: Ew… I wonder how a rainbow faux fur coat looks like? And also, what the hell is a barette?

Then I saw this:

DERP DERP DERP

Click to hear my reaction

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. No shit! Ok, first, that’s one fucking HIDEOUS coat! Seriously Jane, you just buy weird and ugly shit now, don’t you? Second, what the hell is wrong with her face? She looks like Pete Burns with a missing chromosome. And third, silly ignorant me… of course, a barette is a hair clip. Duh.

“I told my mom one day “I have to show you this amazing rainbow faux-fur I found today!” and she said, “How funny, I did too”. Of course it was the same jacket. We pick the same things unknowingly all the time!”

Jane and Mom proving, once again, what a great taste they have.

Oh Jane…I seriously wonder why people keep taking her seriously, she’s getting crazier and tackyer with each post. I bet one of this days she’s gonna come out wearing a bear suit and a hat made out of live pigeons.

By the way: I do like the beetles necklaces tho…

In first place: The girl from Fashion Snag (also known as “the blondest redhead ever)

If this picture doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable, it’s because you’re probably dead. It’s a mix of the sadness-inducing-face and the working-girl-pose that makes me cringe.

In second place: Taghrid

Oh god, she looks like she’s sick…and dying. It’s too bad because I like how she dresses (most of the times) and she’s pretty, but looking at her face makes me so so sad that I can’t stay in her blog for too long. I wish she could smile… and use some blush or something.

And in third place: Denni the Chic Muse.

Ok, this girl is SAD. She’s in pain and she wants us to feel her pain. Maybe she’s sad because of the sun or maybe it’s because she has just realized how ridiculous she looks in those clothes, I don’t know…

:’(

Look at this girl… maybe she’s so poor that the only things she can afford to wear are her grandma’s sweaters and cockroaches. :’(

But seriously Jane, a cockroach? You know something is NOT OK when your (probably very expensive) jewelery comes from a trashcan.

"There is nothing like a good pair of worn-in Levi's... I just want to get rid of all my other skinny jeans and wear Levi's for the rest of my life."

Woah woah woah, Karla! Where’s the soccer ball and the kids? Are they in the minivan already?

Are this one of your favorite pair of  mom jeans? Jesus Christ…

Mom Jeans, from the SNL sketch.